That can’t be right, can it? The teens across the street have set off so many incendiary devices in the past few days it sounds as if they’re trying to establish a beachhead on LBI. You probably won’t be able to coax your skittish golden retriever out of the closet before the All-Star Game. And your eyes are red-rimmed from gunpowder smoke.

So what’s with the 29-cents per-capita outlay on what the industry calls “personal-use” fireworks? With a few exceptions, fireworks are illegal in New Jersey, a small but salient point of law your neighbors have conveniently forgotten. In fact, “It is unlawful to sell, offer for sale, possess, or use fireworks anywhere in the State without a valid permit,” as the Division of Consumer Affairs so cogently puts it. Yes, you can apply for a permit, as can those fledgling pyrotechnicians planning their next assault, but the police chief and fire chief have to sign off on all permit applications, and that’s not going to happen in this lifetime.

But what about those star-spangled, red-white-and-blue fireworks displays in your local store? They’re loaded with strictly legal “handheld or ground based sparklers, snakes, and glow worms; smoke devices; and trick noisemakers, including party poppers, snappers, and drop pops.”

You do have a few alternatives:

Take in a professional fireworks display, which will wow you far more than anything you can possibly put on at home, unless you’re looking to burn down your house.

Move to Missouri. The Show-Me state spends $126 million on consumer fireworks, which works out to $20 per person.

If you insist on taking the law in your own hands (and this in no way is meant to encourage dangerous, illegal behavior), take some basic safety precautions:

• Keep a full bucket of water on hand or a garden hose connected to a spigot and turned on.
• Never point or throw fireworks at another person.
• Light fireworks one at a time, then move back quickly.
• Never carry fireworks in a pocket or shoot them off in metal or glass containers.
• After fireworks are burnt out, douse them with water before touching them or tossing them in the trash.

Have a safe and sane Fourth. We want you back here all in piece tomorrow morning.