JAFFE COMMUNICATIONS GIVES ITS TAKE ON THE NEWS IN NEW JERSEY
FORT LEE – The borough played a prominent role in Jon Stewart’s new film, Rosewater, opening today. The film is a true tale about Iranian-Canadian journalist Maziar Bahari, arrested in 2009 in Tehran under the suspicion of spying. At one point, during his interrogation, Bahari, played by Gael García Bernal, tells his clueless “specialist” that people go to Fort Lee and die of pleasure because the massages are so good. We’re glad to say the film has a “happy ending.”
HOBOKEN – The DWI arrest of the “Cake Boss” has gone viral, after Buddy Valastro apparently told cops “You can’t arrest me! I’m the Cake Boss.” Valastro was arraigned last night in New York in front of a gaggle of reporters, after his 2014 yellow Corvette was found swerving on 10th Avenue. “Can you just put me in a cab?” he allegedly asked police. “You don’t have to arrest me. I’m not a bad guy,” after admitting to “a couple of drinks” and suggesting they all work something out. In the rare chance of jail time, expect a nail file hidden in what would certainly be a spectacular cake.
NEWARK – If you are going to rob a business, why deal with the inconvenience of getting out of your truck and walking in? Newark cops say someone has been smashing vehicles through the front of businesses, in an effort to make off with the ATM. News 12 New Jersey reports the truck ran through the front of the Applebee’s on Springfield Avenue early this morning, as well as a dry cleaners off McCarter Highway. Earlier this week, a stolen pick-up drove into a downtown convenience store, with culprits taking the cash machine. Police are investigating if all these crimes are connected. We assume “yes.”
HELMETTA – There are plenty of questions about what the heck is happening at the Helmetta Animal Shelter, now under quarantine after state and county inspectors raided the place yesterday and discovered that earlier warnings were ignored. Inspectors found sick animals mixed with healthy ones. Four needed immediate treatment; one cat died on the way to the vet, another needed to be euthanized. NJ.com reports that no animals will be coming in or out until a vet deems the place disease-free. With a shelter supposedly considered a “safe place,” this story makes no sense.
IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS
LONDON – The shortest man in the world met the tallest man in the world yesterday, posing for some fascinating photos during the 10th annual Guinness World Records Day. Turkey’s Sultan Kosen, who stands eight feet, nine inches tall, stooped way down to shake hands with Chandra Bahadur Dangi from Nepal, who measures just 21 and a half inches. Fortunately, the world’s tallest man did not describe the world’s shortest man as “lunch.”
CHINA – Apparently, the pinnacle of romance in China somehow includes the smartphone. A local man plunked down two years of his salary to purchase 99 new iPhones, the Daily News reports. This Romeo then placed all the gadgets on the ground in the shape of a heart, assembled his closest friends and families to witness as he stood in the middle and proposed marriage to his one-and-only. All very magical, until the red-faced girlfriend said “No.” Photographs of the failed proposition quickly went viral. Damn smartphones, he says.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY
It was this day in 2011 that the “Occupy” movement jumps the shark, with a handful of people arrested in the spin-offs of the “Occupy Wall Street” movement. “Occupy Portland” and “Occupy Oakland” rallies just didn’t carry the same pizazz.